Someone wolf-whistled my wife the other day – not a weak, lips-pursed warble but a full three-fingers-in-the-gob-how’s-yer-auntie whistle of the sort normally associated, unfairly on the whole, with burly builders.
In some ways I understand: she is a beautiful woman, and very much in her prime. But this wolf, whoever it was, must have noticed that she is also nine-and-a-bit months pregnant, with a belly like a small moon, my son gently resting at its core.
As a result, I felt not jealousy, not trophy- bride pride, but a slow drip of consternation: the kind of leaky-pipe uncertainty that keeps me awake at night. I get up and pace the floor in the light of the full moon, a wolf (or is it a ned?) whistling somewhere in the distance.
There’s a glow, certainly, to pregnant women that might prompt passers-by to say things like: “Jeez, you’re looking well.” But a wolf whistle? I decide to investigate. Some time ago, online, Asker posted the following question: “Do you think pregnant women are attractive?”
(Let us never underestimate the power of the internet to tackle the burning topics of our age, particularly in the dead of night.)
The best answer, as chosen by Asker, states: “When I was pregnant, I got a surprising amount of male attention. But some women get ill in pregnancy and have blotchy faces and rashes which of course is not so attractive.”
Bah! Useless. I scroll through several more posts before finding the type of pregnancy pervert I’m after. Karl S, he calls himself. A German?
“Well ... I once had a fasanation [sic/sick] with pregnant stomachs, as they are so tight, yet perfectly round. Call me a freak. But meh.” Yes, my wild Saxon friend, I’m calling you a freak.
And here’s why. Inside every pregnant body there is a small child. In such cases, the normal rules of male-female engagement should be suspended, a bit like that time the soldiers stopped killing each other to play football on Christmas Day, while Paul McCartney sang Pipes Of Peace in the background (or was that just in the music video?).
I mean, don’t you chumps understand the concept of a truce? I relay my findings to one of my deviant associates (he is a model citizen otherwise) who informs me that there is a whole sub-genre in the porn world dedicated to pregnant women – or rather to men who like looking at pictures of pregnant women in a state of undress.
I’m guessing this isn’t for the same reason that they watch nature programmes on the telly – although who knows why some goons like staring at (possibly pregnant) wildebeest being torn to bits by lions.
So, my full-fertility-loving brothers, let me offer a suggestion: why not take your drool- covered fingers and poke your filthy, coveting eyes out? Or don’t.
But do keep those annoying wolf whistles at bay while my baby is still baking.
First published in The Sunday Herald, 2009.