Lover came round to visit, or rather I met her on the street, crouched over a phonecall she was receiving from abroad. I wasn't sure it was her so I checked before kicking her.
I kissed her while she spoke and lay my shopping bags on the ground. 
She said I looked thin and I agreed, there's no getting away from it, eating's been making me sick lately, my nerves just can't handle it. 
She helped me with the bags, it was the least she could do, and told me she couldn't stay long. She'd been in my house already for an hour, in my house, for an hour, and I'd been shopping, unaware of her visit.
I bought her a salad, even though I thought I wouldn't see her I bought her a salad. The idea was to have it in the fridge ready so when she came round I could offer it, as if my life was really that organised.
I can't stay, she said. 
You can help with the shopping, I said. 
She lifted a bag, put her phone in her pocket. She didn't help because she didn't want to, that's why she didn't help. I put on music that she wouldn't understand, began to lay things past, pain in the base of my neck, in my back, from bad posture.
Did you see the fireworks? She'd seen them, it was clear from the question, I didn't want to answer. I had gone with friends, I'd lost them all, I'd lost all my friends trying to find another friend, finding no one. In the end I stood within a group of strangers listening to their radio, watching the fireworks, feeling stupid.
You not hungry? I could have fallen over, the strain of communicating from the kitchen.
I've got to go home and cook, I've got friends coming round.
She invited me. I won't go. I don't want to meet new people, I don't, I don't want to meet new people, there's no time. I've nothing to offer, I 
We looked at each other for the first time since meeting, I thought she was going to cry, her bottom lip shook, it didn't tremble, it shook, moved a little, just shook, as if she'd thought about it, decided against it.
She made a pipe and we smoked it. I couldn't speak. I'm tired of myself, angry that there's not more to me than meets the eye. I can't focus so I can't progress. How can I progress if I can't focus? It's impossible, I feel spiritually blank, emotionally whatever, broken.
She made a pipe, we smoked it. 
She's no better. Neither of us, neither of us have handled the us as we could have. The us that is us has been a disaster from start to finish. Nobody has taken the lead, nobody has followed. A relationship like a three-legged race with injured legs, strangers bound firmly but out of time. 
We've hobbled, we're still hobbling, and stopping might be painful, and maybe there's somewhere to get to, and so on.
             But for that there's nothing. We both need, we both need. 
Although she's not hungry she eats. I try to follow suit to justify bringing food to the table but I've no real appetite. I feed her much as I would a child and see chewed-up remains in her mouth, chewed-up remnants, things sticking to her tongue like a baby eagle and me the parent. 
I know that soon I'll never see her again. I watch her but not intensely. I allow myself to see her but neither want to or don't want to. The futility of the moment, of our inability to take advantage of it, is exhausting.
It's all too much, she said. What's happened to my life? she said. This isn't right, she said. 
She'll look old young, that's precisely the nature of her face, old young. I'll not see her. I'll not see her old. I'll not see her old but can see it now, before it happens. 
This isn't fair, she said. 
I know, I know, I said.
She'll remember me. I'll remember her, I suppose. I know I'll remember her. She'll remember me, I'll remember her. But neither as much as it may seem just now in this moment.
It's distorted, I said. Let it go, I said. 
Love without violence, she said, an impossible dream. Is that the door? she said.
I don't think so, I said. 
She'll remember me, I'll remember her. Neither as much as it may seem to us in this moment, suspended instant, nostalgia, nothing to write home about. 
When it falls apart, well 
When it's all said, when it's all been done or not done, as the case me be, three or four stories will remain.

Sneaking intuition

You consider me dumbstruck, I consider you every single day
You could say that I'm punch drunk but I don't need to listen to it anyway
I've got a sneaking intuition
There's a man in a suitcase and they say that his arms are folded tight
Little problem of no space but the children are swimming out tonight to find you
They've got a sneaking intuition
They know there's got to be a way to get you close to me
Cos I'm the greatest Gatsby


You will never know, will never touch or feel how much this really means to me unless I let it show but I don't think so somehow
All the ground I've lost and found would just crumble up and swallow me
If I ever told you how I feel there'd be nowhere for me to hide, don't doubt it, I could not exist I must insist that you will never go away, or else
All the ground I've lost and found would just crumble up and swallow me
You will never know, will never touch or feel or steal how much this never meant to me because you did not exist, I must insist that this was only in my head, or else
All the ground, I've lost and found would just crumble up and swallow me 

Where are you now?

All he asked her for was just a little more time to be in the year of the monkey
And I've tried and I've tried 
Where are you now? It's now that I need you/ You've gone away and I'm so lonely
You told me you would love me forever, you told me forever and ever and ever
And he tried to tell you that he'd be lost without you, but you never knew it, you just talked right though it
Your daddy's a bitch, your mummy's a bore, your sister's a snitch, your brother's a whore
You never come round to me any more, never give in for free any more
No one will see if you scurry back home, it never occurs to pick up the phone
Pick up the phone

The Bald Moroccan

There's a bald Moroccan on the rooftop tonight, and we know what he wants cos it's always the same, there's a bald Moroccan on the rooftop tonight
He's a loaded weapon and the looks so uptight but nobody's wrong and nobody's right
And I'm not prejudiced, I'm not incredulous, cos I know everyone you see could be carrying a message for me
There's a bag beside him and it's torn at the seams, and he knows how it looks and he knows what it means
I maybe should admit I can't see into it but I know everyone you see could be carrying a message for me
So let me take you into my confidence: there's nothing you can take that I wouldn't give you anyway, except my life, except my life
And I'm not prejudiced, I'm not incredulous, cos I know everyone you see could be carrying a message for me

Easy peasy

Since you've been away I can think of nothing to replace you, I never expected to
See that I'm held up looking for problems/ What's wrong with you? Cos if I'm with you it's easy peasy
How do you fancy making a list of things that you might want to do tonight?
Even Sherlock Holmes had a habit, so what's wrong with you?
Find me something to hang my coat to, tie a rope to, maybe write a note to, for security
Well if you're with me it's easy peasy
Like all brilliant people I'm a nightmare to be with but I thought you might still want to be with me

Be my contact

So much for good intentions, 061
You've only known exceptions, 061, but they burden me
Don't play innocent, the noose won't fit you right
 It won't take long to find my fix on you tonight
You've got to me my contact
Everything's funny when you're upside down
After all, you were everything that I ever wanted
I suppose it show's that nothing happens easily, but don't you know
They've only gone and dropped the dawn and started on a new day
Without you here to be my contact

I'm so heavy

I'm so heavy but I need to get up and go to the bathroom
I'm not ready I feel so heavy
But I need to get up and go to the bathroom

What? she said
It's three in the morning and I'm working in the morning
I get up get up stand up in a circle of
Opinionated people
And now you want to wake me up and go to the bathroom

Do you really prefer oysters?
Dear Antoninus, do you really like oysters?
Well come over here and help me up, and come to the bathroom